The error I faced was this one:
- Cannot load [path]php4apache2.dll into server. The specified file cannot be found.
For the solution I attribute this Devside.net careful posting and bailout.
For a more animated expression of dismay, keep an eye out for the launch of errorprocessing.com. In the meantime, allow me to observe that in the relatively controlled environment of a Windows server, configuration management for the LAMP stack should be the responsibility of the folks at php.net. The information given there provides a hint, but not the solution.
And then there are dozens of misdirected suggestions, such as removing quotes around the pathname . . . This is not about assembling working components into working order. It's an Easter egg hunt, and one no self-respecting child would tolerate.
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